Big goddamned surprises

I recently found myself incredibly fucked up at a bar.  Big goddamned surprise. Gary was hosting some incredibly attractive female from some other state for the weekend.  Also a big goddamned surprise.

At some point, while standing in the gutter, waiting for Little Bean to maybe puke in that gutter, an incredibly intoxicated Herminio decided it would be a great idea to grenade-lob his glass into the road.  Another big goddamned surprise.

A very manish looking woman about to mount her bike, spent about 3 minutes trying to kick the glass out of the bike lane, where most of it had accumulated.  While this was occurring, I was thoroughly enjoying watching Gary's houseguest completely mind-fuck about 4 unbelievably desperate drunken assholes.  Guys having the best night of their lives, as this fucking vixen in skin-tight leather pants paid them some, obviously, not-so-standard attention.

Because she was wasted, Gary worried about it getting out of hand, as many a fingered appendage  wandered its way to her leather-clad (incredible) ass.  He finally shepherded her away from the douchebaggery, out into the street where we were standing, near a lot of glass.

She had previously removed her shoes, and after being cautioned about the copious glass shards in her vicinity, she proceeded to belligerently stomp and grind her feet into the street, saying something profound like, "I don't give a fuck, I can't even feel it."

"That's because you haven't hit any glass yet, you dumb bitch," I yelled in my head.

It took me less than 20 seconds to realize that I totally hated (and by hated, I mean severely disliked) this girl.  And that she was terribly fucking stupid.

Later, I learned that she is just terribly fucking afflicted with aspergers syndrome.  Big goddamned surprise.

Anyways, around 3 am, Herminio and I, in our drunken state, decided that ordering a 26" pizza was a great idea.  We way over anticipated the amount of people that we were going to be able to convince to come over and partake of said pizza.

Gary managed to find his way back over, while also managing to leave Aspergers at home.  At some point, Gary received a phone call from some girl demanding sex or something.  The big goddamned surprises of this night were endless.  She also happened to have a friend who was apparently desperate to make out with someone.

While Herminio and I were intrigued, Gary most certainly was not.  He was certain that this girl would want to go home with him, which obviously wouldn't work, because Aspergers was there, and would do God knows what, should Gary stumble home with another female.  Probably grind glass into her feet.  We decided to let them come over.

So they arrived, and the girl with the larger tits, who also happened to be the one apparently jonesing for a make out, began shamelessly comparing her much larger tits to her friends much smaller tits.  And not so casually inviting her friend to cuddle with her, apparently thinking that some girl-on-girl cuddling would cause our loins to burn with desire.

Every girl I met tonight was fucking stupid.  I texted Herminion, "These girls are fucking stupid."  He didn't notice.  He was too busy using a tiny Asian as a cockblock.  I was tired/passing out.  Herminio and tiny Asian were tired/passing out.  Gary was pretending to be tired, and pretending to pass out.  These 2 dumbshits were on a fucking mission.  So outside on the balcony they went to smoke, along with Gary.  To the couch I went, with a blanket.

A short time later, Big Tits comes in.  I'm half asleep, and not terribly coherent.  She says, "Hey, can you come here and help me with something?"

"Curious," I thought.  "Very fucking curious."

So I stumbled up, and followed her towards a bedroom, where I was then lead to a bed, and then promptly pounced upon by a girl who, it seemed, was intent upon chewing my face off.  Or licking it off.  Or stirring up some imagined concoction in my mouth.  I came to the conclusion in about 14 seconds that either: A) I was somewhere around the 3rd person she had ever kissed, or B) she had never kissed anyone more than once.

I felt like I was being mauled and clawed by a feral dog.  The one thing that almost made the experience only mostly fucking miserable, and her one redeeming quality, of which she had previously made ample mention, was her mountainous chest region, into which she forcefully shoved my face up to 4 times.

I have no idea what her name was.  At one point, after a few minutes, she said "Oh, I probably can only stay for like, 5 more minutes," to which I responded "Oh."  Which was the first, and also second to last thing that I said during the entire ordeal.  The last was, "Okay," after "I have to go now...goodnight."

It's been at least 3 years since I kissed someone that made me contemplate never participating in that activity ever again.  I vow, if ever I find myself in an "am I kissing a fucking sloppy bear?" scenario, I-don't-know-her-name may be somewhat shocked when I stop the whole thing in mid-misery and say, "Enough.  My penis has withered, and I don't even think someone spending life in prison could possibly enjoy this."

And I guess it shouldn't be a big goddamned surprise when I get punched right in the withered penis.